Single Mother- A Woman without a Patron or a Hereon

Eka Kevanishvili, Tbilisi

“A wife, a cleaner, the breadwinner of the family has to endure insults and nobody even respects you. I often see many families with this kind of situation around me.  As a result, I would rather prefer being a single mother,” says Milena Beritashvili who made the transition in life from homelessness to finding minimum wage in order to survive.

The government is unable to provide support for single mothers. There are no special programs dedicated towards them for the time being. Only those women and mothers who lost the main breadwinners of the family are eligible to receive a meager 55GEL in social assistance, but this does not include divorced women and those who became mothers outside of wedlock. They are unable to receive social assistance as there is no money available in the state budget.

Davit Pavliashvili, head of the Department of Social Security of the Ministry of Health states that there is no special program for single mothers: “We are mainly focused on programs for those who fall below the poverty level. If a single mom is below the poverty level, social assistance by all means will be provided to her. However, only those over the age of 18 years who have children and lost their main breadwinner can receive this social assistance package.

The point is not to grant aid to single mothers. Society’s attitude towards them is more concerned with their status. As a result, there are few choices, a Georgian woman can choose whether they want to maintain a “façade” family, or bear the burden of being a single mother. Psychologists consider that in such situations most women only have the first option to choose from. They will then face the local reality of the dictatorship characteristic of Georgian families, and often face psychological difficulties. They are subjected to domestic violence by their family, relatives and even total strangers.

Milena Beritashvili was only several months pregnant when she left her home after learning that her husband was regularly seeing other women.

“Based on Christian Orthodox traditions, a girl must stay a virgin until she gets married. However, her husband is permitted to openly cheat on her if he so chooses, making it unbearable for his wife to tolerate such behavior. Do you consider this as normal womanhood? It is a common practice for a man to cheat on his wife. A man often does not live for the family, but rather only exists for himself. He can afford entertainment for himself as far as he is capable and does not think whether he is actually needed by the family or not.

One of the reasons that girls are forced to tolerate such kinds of situations is that they are living with their parents’ or with their husband’s families. They are trained from an earlier age to be obedient and not to make too many complaints. So it turns out that you are a wife, cleaner, a supporter of the family, one who can tolerate insults but nobody respects you as a person. There are many families where I see such a situation. If you ask a husband to embrace you he might have been fighting, which makes you lose the desire to be near him. The point is that they are brought up by their parents in this way and boys are like children until there are even 40 years of age. I will do my best that my son who is 5 does not become one of these destroyed men,” explains Milena.

She had two options: either she would get used to living in humiliation or she would start a new life. The baby was not even born when she found herself in the street with nothing: no home, no money and without the support from friends or relatives.
“I thought, if I endure it now, then I will have to stand it all my life. So I left my husband. I told the priest about my problem and I was sent to Bedia Monastery in Tsalka district. I spent the entire pregnancy there.” The monastery covered all the expanses on medical analysis and medicine. “I always thought that a woman’s major destination was being a mom and if I did not get married before the age of 30, I would plan on having a baby without getting married. I have suffered so much and now I know that if God gives you a child he will not admit that your baby dies from starvation. I preferred hard labor and suffering to humiliation and assault, and I do not mean only physical assault.”

Then came the “World Vision” project. Milena Beritashvili and her son were placed in an asylum organized within the framework of the project, where she found herself working all day long. The employment aspect of the project came as a salvation to Milena. The organization arranged an exhibition, at which her hand-made creations were sold. She was able to collect a rather decent amount of money, and later began mortgaging a flat with the help of a nun, mother Marian. She felt the sweetness of her own home:

“Mother Mariam contributed some money and told me that she was helping me because she believed in me, which was such a stimulus. I told her that I would do the impossible in order not to let her down. I was doing everything with my son in my arms. I had no one to leave my child to. Then I learned how to make thick felt within the same program free of charge. I bought materials for making products out of thick felt; I sold them in shops located on Leselidze Street. Later I found private clients.

I would not stop fighting. I addressed the administration board to help me find an apartment. I tried very hard and at last they gave me a single room flat, which had to be completely reconstructed but it was better than nothing. It was weird that the strangers helped me more than my relatives. I borrowed credit and used my mortgage money to reconstruct my house. I took my child to kindergarten and hired a nanny as well who picked my son up form the kindergarten. I was involved in trainings. I also had a student and was working nights. I had a schedule written on my wall. Sometimes, I could not even stand on my feet but I still continued working.”

Milena’s wanted to make an address to all women who are afraid of being single mothers and are therefore facing intolerable treatment:

“Do not endure what destroys your nerves. A woman must show a man that she is strong and is not a slave. Women must protect their rights.”

Rita Jikia, a single mother has lost two trials. Her demand was to receive the status of a single mother and give her family name to her child in order to receive social assistance. “The social benefit was insignificant, but I was unemployed and desperately needed money. I would do anything. The court rejected my request as my child had my husband’s family name from birth. Now he is married to his fourth wife. We are trying to make both ends meet with 300-400 GEL. My mother is sick with cancer and must be operated on immediately. My child, who is seven years old, often stays with her. With my salary, it is impossible to provide for basic treatment, let alone an operation. On top of all that I feel I have been marginalized by society because I am a single mother.”

Why is it that women are always under pressure and the actions of men are justified in Georgian society?  Why is single motherhood considered to be shameful? Single mothers have many questions to ask.

Sopio Verulashvili, the head of the Association of Psychologists and Psychotherapist explains that a single mother is considered to be left “without a patron” in our society. The phrase “without a patron” is thought to be an insulting phrase in Georgian. Philip Raise calls single parent families “incomplete families”. If one parent in this case a father is dead his cult still exists in the family. Though, he is not alive but his existence is always felt in the family. The child’s reaction on father’s death and the fact that he left home is totally different. Society attitude towards divorced women is even stricter. Despite the fact that women are very strong, the majority of them still undergo a serious amount of stress and adapting to a life of constant stress is difficult for anyone. 

The degree of suffering, whether it’s a divorced woman, a widow or a woman who delivered a child out of wedlock, depends on the age when a woman delivers a child. Society is more tolerant to women who deliver their child during a more matured age. Of course, this all depends on which social cast they belong to and which family they are from and so on. A family of a single mother might not be rich but of high moral awareness and take care of her very well despite the circumstances surrounding the original reason for her becoming a single mother.”